Hold Me Daddy!

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Wow – it’s funny how a few little words uttered from our three year old has me writing in a totally different direction than I had planned. We stayed home from church this morning because my honey & one of our little ones are sick. L In my Bible study this morning I was thinking about how blessed I am by my church family. Looking back over the years, joys and trials of my life; no matter where I have lived or what church family I have belonged to, my church family has always been such a solid strength in my life! I praise and thank God for my church family, my brothers and sisters in Christ! That’s the direction I thought I was writing in this morning but then something happened and I felt God say – time to get a little more personal!

What happened??? Benjamin Clarke happened!!!

This morning, Kip and I were sipping coffee, reading our bibles and enjoying hearing the children’s antics in the other room. Then our little Benjamin came running in, hopped in his daddy’s arms and said “Hold me daddy! Give me a big hug.”

I felt God speak to my heart and remind me of His miraculous and amazing grace in the life of our family. I am reminded of the story of Moses fleeing out Egypt. Exodus 13:17- 18a says “When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, “If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt.” 18 So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea”.

Now imagine what might have happened if Moses had been listening to the people around him instead of God. I can just hear the conversation – “Moses, are you crazy? You’re going the wrong direction! There is a much shorter way! Come on, follow me! What are you thinking?........” Can’t you just imagine it? If Moses had listened to man’s wisdom instead of God’s, the Israelites would not have been trapped at the Red Sea with Pharaoh and his army at their heals. The parting of the red sea is one of my very favorite biblical events. “Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.” Exodus 14:21-22 I really can’t even begin to imagine what it was like to see the Red Sea begin to part! I’ve thought about that so many times. WOW! Then can you even fathom what it would be like to walk through a parted sea with all the creatures of the sea swimming beside you in the water? I think one of my favorite verses in this event is Exodus 14:18a “The Egyptians will know that I am the LORD”! God wanted the Israelites to go a different way; not the shortest or what they perceived to be the easiest way, because He had a plan to show His glory in and through the miracle of parting the Red Sea. It was His plan; not Moses’ plan, not the Israelites plan – God’s perfect plan!
So what does this have to do with the Clarke’s personal life, you might ask. Well, if you had told me four years ago that after having three biological children, that we would have a fourth via adoption; then that child would be born with serious complications and addictions to both drugs and alcohol; then that the baby would go on to actually die, placed on life support, be brought back and then life flighted to Arkansas Children’s Hospital; then that we would be told that baby would have life long brain damage and complications that would be extremely physically, emotionally and financially challenging; I think I might have said, “I don’t think so, I’m not strong enough.” My plan would have been to simply have a fourth child the good old fashion way and just continue life as usual. But what would I have missed? His Plan – God’s perfect plan! Our family would have missed out on four years, with never a dull moment I might add, of experiencing God’s mighty and miraculous work first hand. We would have missed the most amazing joyful little boy that you could ever imagine! We would have all missed out on growing spiritually in ways that before we did not even comprehend! We praise and thank God every day for His different direction and plan for the Clarke family!

In your family, in your home, in your church, in your work, in your school, in your decisions, in your finances, in your life…..do you always look for what appears to be the easiest, shortest path? Do you go to God and ask if it is His perfect plan or if He might have a different plan? He might have a plan where those around you will see that “He is Lord”! One of my favorite songs is “Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord”. That is my prayer for my own life, the life of my family and for you; that we will be able to open our eyes to His will. His plans are always best!

I’m going to finish this blog post with a simple question – Are the eyes of you heart open to Him?

From my heart to yours,

Holly

Following is our Benjamin’s complete story and testimony so far. There is just no way to tell it quickly or make it short, so I decided to take the time to write it all down. If you have time to keep reading, please do. Our lives have truly been touched with a real miracle at the hand of our almighty God. It is such a joy to share and proclaim He is Lord!

Kip and I had been so very blessed to have three precious biological children. We never had any trouble at all conceiving; in fact we had our first three kiddos in 3½ years. We were so very thankful. For two out of my three pregnancies I spent multiple weeks on multiple occasions hospitalized. Then at home I was hooked up to an IV bag with a subclavian IV and fed TPN like a coma patient for the majority of my pregnant life. So needless to say, I had very sick pregnancies. God was so faithful and gave us beautiful and healthy children. He saw us through a very challenging time with great love, mercy and even joy!

So you would probably think we were done with pregnancy – Nope! We did have three amazing children, but in our hearts we knew God had something else planned. When our third child was just two, we decided to have a fourth child. You should have seen the look on my doctor’s face when I told him that I was going to get pregnant again. He said “You’re crazy, but who am I to discount what you feel the Lord telling you to do?’ My doc is a wonderful Christian man! So we proceeded forward not uttering a single word to our families, in fear that someone might come harm my sweet hubby! J None of our families wanted to see us ever go through the difficulties of my pregnancies again. Frankly, pregnancy was very dangerous for me. Kip and I prayed, knowing that we felt called to have another child, that God would make this pregnancy different – and boy did He! J After never having any trouble at all (we used to joke that if we turned off the lights, we got pregnant) we could not conceive. For almost two years we went through countless test, infertility medication and even a surgery with no real understanding of why God placed such a desire for a fourth child on our hearts, yet no baby. Then God revealed His perfect plan.

Kip was out of town on business and I was washing dishes, when the phone rang. It was an old familiar voice. Remember, our trying to conceive & our struggles were not public knowledge. This voice from the past said “You may think I’m crazy, but I can’t get you off my mind. Would you ever consider adopting a baby?” WOW – God’s plan was revealed as clearly as if He was on the other end of that phone. I called Kip, who was at the airport, and asked what He would think about having a baby in about nine weeks! The desire, the waiting, the not understanding, the praying…..it was all part of His bigger plan for us – His perfect plan! Here’s just a little side note - - The minute I hung up the phone that day I knew that our son’s name should be Benjamin (not a name that we had ever considered for our first three). Can you guess what it means? It means - youngest son at the right hand of the father - God is awesome!

Then a few short weeks later, we were able to be there when our beautiful baby boy was born! The last few weeks leading up to his arrival, I have to be honest, I wondered (really feared) if I would be able to love our fourth child with the same intensity that I love our first three. Well let me tell you, it was love at first sight! There I not one single ounce of difference! I forget that I did not carry him in my belly. I just carried him in my heart! God is so clear in His word –

He predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ – Ephesians 1:5

Ben’s adoption has taught our entire family to understand even more fully who we are in Christ! He, the almighty God, has adopted us as His!

As we took our precious new baby boy in our arms with such great joy, we knew in our hearts that something was wrong. We had prepared ourselves that things would not be the same as if I had carried him, but we weren’t quite prepared emotionally for what was about to unfold. Our baby was rushed to the nearest NICU where went spent one of the most difficult weeks of our lives watching, praying, crying, rocking, singing and walking the halls of the NICU holding our newborn infant as he went through horrible withdrawals from serious drug and alcohol. There were even moments that we didn’t know if he was going to pull through. To helplessly hold your innocent newborn baby and watch him go through such a horrific trial was horrible! But, we knew then and know even more now, that God has a truly amazing testimony for our little Ben’s life!

Finally the day came when we were released make the drive home and take Ben home to meet his big sisters and big brother. It was a glorious day! No baby has ever been so loved and spoiled! Ben not only had two parents, he had three little parents too! J The next few months went along pretty quiet, well as quiet as it can be with a newborn, 8, 6 and 4½ year old! Then God really began revealing the true scope of our little Ben’s testimony. Ben was just four months old when he had his first massive seizure. Having never witnessed anything like this before, Kip and I were a little in shock and weren’t thinking very clearly. We were only a few minutes away from the hospital, so we just took off on our own to the ER rather than calling for help. By the time we reached the ER, Ben was totally grey and not breathing. We ran in and turned our baby over to the hospital staff. Within seconds, it felt like there were two dozen doctors and nurses working on our four month old baby. I’ll never forget these horrible things call IO IVs! They are this mid-evil looking big screw device that is screwed directly into the bone for immediate respiratory intervention. I’m sure my memory of it is much worse than reality, but I will never forget watching two of them being placed into each of our tiny baby’s legs and his lifelessness. The hospital placed him on life support and began making phone calls. Our pastor was called, our families were called, our pediatrician was called – our baby was not going to make it, he was gone. That day still feels like such a blur in my memory. Again, God was just adding to Ben’s incredible testimony. After 72 minutes on life support, our baby boy opened his eyes! Now, I can not even begin to understand what it feels like to lose your child. Seventy two minutes were the most horrible and painful minutes of my life. I know there are so many, too many who have not had their children open their eyes. My heart breaks for those parents and I do pray every single day for the countless that have not experienced the miracle that we were blessed with.

Thus begins our journey to Little Rock. Soon after Ben opened his eyes, he was life flighted to Arkansas Children’s Hospital. After countless test, days and waiting, we were told that Benjamin had significant brain damage due to what he had experienced in the womb. He had Cerebral Atrophy (shrunken areas of the brain) in three different areas as well as Hydrocephalus (fluid on the brain). We also learned that he had CP Epilepsy as well as some other more manageable health issues. As I felt my knees buckling underneath me, I will never forget a young neurologist looking at me saying “There is just not a lot of hope. I wouldn’t expect him to even be holding his head up by the age of two.” The multitude of doctors left the room and my sweet husband turned to me and said “They did not say the two most important words honey – BUT GOD”! As we tried to wrap our brains around what all was taking place, I still felt in my heart that the bad news wasn’t over yet. For several more days, Ben underwent more testing and could not kick a low temperature. We had wonderful doctors and love AR Children’s Hospital so very much, but I kept telling anyone and everyone who would listen that I just knew something was not right. After just about driving everyone who walked in the room crazy, a first year intern said “I think there might be something wrong with his stomach.” Shortly were on our way down for a CT scan of his abdomen. As soon as the elevators opened when we were returning to Ben’s room from the scan, the nurse met us and told us to turn around. Ben was having emergency surgery for an internal bleed. What felt like hours later, the doctor came into to the waiting room to tell us that Benjamin, at four months old, had a ruptured and gangrenous appendix. One of the areas in his brain affected by the Atrophy suppressed his ability to feel pain. We also learned that he is not a child that runs a fever, so the indicators just were simply not present. Again, we experienced first hand God’s miraculous hand!

About a week later we returned home, not knowing what the future would hold for our little Ben yet, we knew who held his future! We committed our son and our efforts for him to the Lord. Ben’s therapist began coming to our home weekly. We didn’t have any expectations; we just wanted to provide the best possibilities and opportunities for our child. We accepted that Ben’s life was just going to be different and that was okay. This is where we began to see God greater and perfect plan unfold! Do you remember when I said that we were told there was just not much hope? Ben is now 3½ and is a walking, talking, singing, dancing, joy filled example of HIS HOPE! Ben still faces many challenges from what he experienced in the womb and from ongoing health issues; but most who meet Ben would never guess the path he has walked. No matter what tomorrow holds, with every breath, every giggle, every step, every word, every moment of every day – Benjamin Wayne Clarke’s life proclaims – HE IS LORD!!!!

There have been some who have said “Good for you for adopting a child with special needs”. Our hearts and response will forever be - It is our lives and family that is forever changed and blessed because God’s plan brought Ben to us! I’ve said it a million times and I will say it a million more – Ben has taught us all far more than we could ever teach him! One of my dearest friends says “Ben may have been diagnosed with disabilities, but someone forgot to tell him.”

Thanks for taking the time to read our Ben’s story and for sharing with us, as we give God ALL the glory! HE IS LORD!!!!

In His love,

Holly